Wednesday, October 28

Things Happening

Taken at Balangan Beach, Bali

It's not like anybody's asking, but my sleeping schedule has been a mess since the beginning of the wonderful October. I'm not sure whether it's me or the city, but October feels better in Jakarta. And things has been happening to my friends and I, and I can only pray and give hugs to one another. I read Nirrimi's latest post, on going to Perth and being heartbroken. And I wonder how one can write so beautiful.

On October 19th, words fell right out of my brain, making up a 2000+ words word document on what has been happening with my heart and its content. I can't publish it because it'll be like publishing a piece of my heart. I can't predict the future, but I'm trying to make everything as good as it can get. Not sure whether God agrees on my plan, but I hope He does.

There are so many writings that appeared on my Line timeline that made me feel so much, it hurts. I don't have personal experiences with all those writings, but it's so sad and honest that I can feel it as well. Here's one:

I could never tell if he really loved me. When I say that I mean, was I the woman on his mind constantly? Or was that space kept for someone else? I'll never know, sometimes I wish I did and other times I think it's best this way. The love I gave to him was never quite like the love I received, but I didn't mind. I thought, if I could love him with everything I had maybe he'd actually see me one day. See my soul and how for him it was a home. It was never my choice to love him, that happens. You fall in love and for a while you're the happiest person in the world. And then I began to lose him. It took me three years to realise it. I chose to stay because I wanted to. Because I knew a man like him deserved to be loved. I had so much love to give, but him and his heart never had the strength to hold it. - Silentperception

Have you ever felt like you gave everything but you're not sure whether you're receiving as much as you're supposed to? Of course, like the writing, I honestly wouldn't mind. But then again, I shouldn't be too hard on myself. 

I've been spending a lot of time in Bali's International Airport. I'm only there to help a senior download data from NASA. But spending countless hours there makes me long the so-called wanderlust feeling. I miss the idea of planning a trip. I miss listing down the things I have to pack for the trip. I miss checking the weather in the upcoming city I'm going to visit. I envy those with huge backpacks at their back and tan lines so visible. I can't wait to fly out, and maybe never come back. But then again, the purpose of traveling is to come back home with a different perspective on things. Mostly tho, the purpose of traveling, according to a Tumblr post that I saw, is to appreciate home even more.

Things has been going very fast lately, like how in two months it'll be 2016, or the fact that A from Pretty Little Liars is revealed, although the episode continues...

It was a full moon yesterday.The biggest and brightest moon you could ever imagine, just like the eyes of the landlord’s daughter. That night, most of my Hindu friends were out praying. And I get why they pray every full moon. It’s awfully beautiful. 

I know that you have to pray everyday, and be grateful that you’re up alive and breathing, even though you’re sick, or tired. And I get that you have to be grateful for the little things, like the tires in your car that aren’t flat, or the clean water you consume everyday. But then you see that big, full moon and it makes you think how in the world did God do all this? And you think how God is very nice giving all these pretty things for us to see. But then you think about the smoke at Borneo and Sumatra, and you think why in the world would God do this to us?

This has a been a long post on random things that has been going on in my head. November is a week away, and my birthday is coming up. Can't wait to see what the universe has for me on my last days on being a seventeen year old.

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