Thursday, November 15

What is Kind?

Emma Morley is honestly one of the kindest characters I know and it amazes me at how she tries to maintain the relationship between she & Dex, but at the same time respects herself and to Dex by being honest (One Day, 2011)

For the past few period of time, my favourite quote was and is still be kind, and good will come to you. People confuse the difference between being kind and being nice. Not me, though. I think. I've always known the difference between being kind and being nice. When you're nice, it's mostly for your own comfort. Doing something to others, to make you feel good about yourself. And that includes making yourself look good in front of other people. But when you're kind, you don't really care whether people are going to see you good or bad,  or too-sensitive or too-serious, and all those toos. Being kind is doing what's best for your or another person, without asking for attention. Being kind is telling someone what they're doing is wrong, when you know it really is wrong. Being kind is standing up to your friends or your family when they did something wrong. Of course, I haven't always been kind. 

I sometimes think that I'm too nice. I'm too nice because I want other people to be able to rely on me. I want people to know I'm great with responsibilities. I'm too nice because I (sometimes) still let myself be a placemat for others (lose-win solution). I'm too nice because I still let other people do things I hate them doing because they have puppy faces or they're my best friend i can't be mad at them or ugh i hate him doing that but if he hates me then who'll i have?. Believe me, I still have those problems. But honestly though, quoting Dr Seuss 'those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind'. And during the times I decided to be kind, I became brave. 

Conclusion of this post (my version) : 
A lot of people are attached to the idea of being “nice.” It’s not so easy for these individuals to let go of their need to be nice, or to appreciate how different it is from being kind.

This distinction is important, however, because these two ways of being lead to very different outcomes in one’s personal and professional life.
It will be easier to understand the difference between “nice” and “kind” if we focus on the opposing motivations behind each way of being.
The nice person is externally motivated. He’s driven by the need for other people’s approval and validation; he craves acceptance and is fearful of rejection.
The kind person is internally motivated. She has good self-esteem and isn’t looking for approval. She’s less concerned about what others might think of her and more interested in doing the right thing. Her compassion comes from an overflowing of her positive self-regard and not from the need to please.
The kind person respects herself as much as she respects others. She’s naturally helpful and generous, except when doing so might cause her harm. She lives in a state of balance, being as kind to herself as she is to others. She makes a positive contribution to her family, company and community, but never at her own expense.
The nice person is out of balance in his quest for external validation. Thinking that this is how he’ll find what he wants, he puts the needs of others ahead of his own needs. He keeps trying to please until he becomes exhausted and aggravated.
The nice person avoids confrontation for fear of upsetting anyone. He has trouble saying “No,” and rarely asks directly for what he wants. Fearing rejection, he can’t express any angry feelings that arise.
The kind person, on the other hand, isn’t afraid of confrontation. She’s able to speak her mind clearly, directly and respectfully, so people know where she stands but aren’t likely to take offense.
If someone gets angry at her because she’s asserted herself or rejects her because she’s setting a limit, she doesn’t take it personally.
The nice person can’t be authentic, because he’s too preoccupied with being a pleaser. The longer he continues to be “nice,” however, the more alienated he becomes from himself and others. He can lose touch with his true needs, feelings and opinions, and his relationships lack intimacy or fulfillment.
Even if he does win some degree of approval, the nice person knows, deep down, that the other person doesn’t see or accept him for who he really is. He can never make a real connection.
The kind person is genuine and sincere. She doesn’t need to pretend to be anyone else. If someone dislikes her or disapproves of her, she doesn’t feel diminished in any way.
The kind person welcomes constructive criticism. Her good self-regard motivates her to constantly be learning and evolving. Her ability to accept feedback means that her performance at work is always improving, and that she’s able to grow as a friend and a spouse.
The nice person is uncomfortable with feedback. His low self-esteem makes external criticism feel particularly hurtful. He has a harder time taking in valuable information about how he might improve his performance at work or how he could be a better spouse or friend.
The kind person sets good limits with others, and because she doesn’t allow herself to be mistreated, she’s cheerful, easy-going and approachable. She trusts herself to take care of herself in her personal and professional relationships, so she feels at ease with other people and her heart is open.
The nice person can’t set good limits. In his attempt to gain approval and avoid rejection, he allows people to exploit and mistreat him. This makes him angry, bitter, and cynical toward others.
The nice person’s attempts to please often result in his feeling hurt. His mistrust toward others grows, as does his shame for putting up with disrespect. His heart becomes closed, so while his behaviour is outwardly “nice,” he actually feels disappointed and resentful.
The truth is that people admire the kind person and look down on the nice person. We look up to those who have confidence and good self-esteem and tend to dismiss as “weak,” or “needy,” those who appear to be trying too hard to please.
When things don’t go the way he’d hoped, the nice person doesn’t know what to do with his growing anger. He might stuff down his resentment with alcohol, drugs or food, or it could leak out as passive-aggressive behaviour. Sometimes he’ll have an angry outburst, which embarrasses him so much that he represses his anger even more.
So, while the kind person can be relaxed and loving, authentic and meaningfully connected to others, the nice person is often anxious, angry, alienated and isolated; possibly even suffering from an addiction.
The solution for the nice person is simple: he must stop looking outside himself for love and approval.
Once he takes responsibility for his own self-worth, he’ll start working on developing his own positive self-regard. When he begins to love and accept himself, he’ll be able to let go of needing to please, and he’ll notice that interestingly, others are responding to him better.
A positive spiral is created, whereby he’s in charge of his self-worth, he’s treated with more respect, his anger diminishes, his feelings of trust and connection with others increase and his self-esteem improves even more.
Eventually, without even thinking about it, he’ll shift from being nice to being kind.


Friday, October 5

I've been feeling pretty... numb, lately. Or maybe it's just the feeling of boredom, getting too attached to me. I'm starting my final research, and there are so many things to do. Everything seems dull at the moment, even when I'm trying. I guess, I really am... Just waiting... For anything. For something.

Monday, October 1

Little Uneasy

For the past few days, I decided to give myself an Instagram-Primary-Account detox. Lately I’ve been feeling like social media, Instagram, to be specific, is taking so much of my time and it’s just draining my energy. It also make me feel unproductive and too attached to my phone. Feeling like that, I decided to detach out of my Instagram primary account. I still post on my community’s Instagram account, but I don’t check my account and/or feed as intense as I used to. Instead of spending my time in front of my phone, I finally get to finish Antologi Rasa by Ika Natassa for the second time. I remember reading it and feel so amazed by the ending, but after the second read, it’s not as amazing as I thought it is. I’m about to reread Perahu Kertas by Dee for the ??th time. I also got to rearrange some of the items at my kitchen counter, and find some inside plants inspiration for me to do in the upcoming weeks. I not-so-secretly took the chance to dance freely to Mamma Mia and Dancing Queen and filming it using the 8mm app on my phone. Oh, and I also made myself some baked macaroni and cheese, which I can eat for breakfast… lunch… or dinner… But for tomorrow's breakfast, I prepared myself a glass of vanilla chia seed pudding!!! Fingers crossed it tastes good (It tasted pretty good!). I also went out to sea to take micro plastic samples with the lab team (which I'm pretty happy about because I miss going out to sea). I also met up with some of my KKN friends. I’m pretty happy with the things I did without the distraction of my Instagram account. I like the feeling of not going through Instagram, but let’s be real. Instagram is the real deal of self branding, it’s an important instrument to use in these particular years. However, doing this Instagram detox a few times a month, or at least once a month seems like a good idea. 

Wednesday, September 26

An ASEAN Experience

During the first three months of 2018, I stumble upon an announcement of a YSEALI Marine Debris Expedition, which was created by Divers Clean Action and supported by the Jakarta US Embassy. Being the ‘let’s just sign up and we’ll see how it goes’ kind of person, I wrote a few paragraphs of my opinion and experiences, and finally signed up. Fast forward to mid 2018, I got an acceptance email! I was straightly put into group 9, where we had a project with a theme of Community Development. We tried our best working overseas from each other via WhatsApp and email, but it wasn’t good enough. I, personally, counted down the days where we can finally see each other in person!

Friday, September 14

Lima Minggu

I wrote a some-what recap of my feelings and thoughts during my 5 week live-in program. It's in Indonesian. I can't translate it in English, because if I do, it'll just ruin the honesty in it. Long story short, I enjoyed my time with them, even with our almost-never-ending drama and issues. Thank you friends for ending up at Desa Tumbu, Karangasem.

Selama 5 minggu terakhir, gue tinggal di bawah satu atap sama 15 orang lainnya, hanya dengan satu kamar mandi. Kebayang dong ya seberapa hebohnya kalo pagi-pagi atau malem-malem? Rumahnya kecil, dan seperti model rumah Bali lainnya, kamar mandi dan dapur terpisah dari rumah utamanya. Jadi kalo mau ke kamar mandi dan dapur harus keluar rumah utama dulu. Cukup serem kalo pagi-pagi mau wudhu atau malem-malem mau sikat gigi. Tapi rumahnya nyaman, terutama dengan ke-15 orang itu. Sempet sih ada tragedi ngelihat cewe pake baju putih malem-malem, atau denger suara ketawa-ketawa, tapi makin kesini makin hilang, atau mungkin kita aja yang udah ngga se-merhatiin itu.

Monday, September 10

Urip Iku Urup

It felt surreal going to Jogja with them. We didn’t even plan it that well, but it happened. Our main goal was obvious though, just to get Tio outside Bali for the first time in his life, ever. And we did. I will forever be happy of what we have given him, especially since it was his 22nd birthday on our last day during the train ride home. Thank you Tio for being the reason I get to go back to Jogja, and Yande, Indi, Dira, Ariston, Thobie and Danno for being great companies. Thank you to Vicky as well, for making the time to visit me while I'm in Jogja.

Thursday, August 2

Life Update: July 2018

I've been pretty busy for the past month, it's driving me crazy. Here's a summary of the things I did:

My brother and a few of my cousins went to Bali during their summer holiday. They stayed at a hostel 7 minutes away from my place, by bike. I was pretty busy at that time, but I made time and was able to spend most days exploring parts of the island with them. We went to Batubolong and explored the whole street, which included The Love Anchor market, Old Man’s weekend market, Batubolong Beach, Warung Bu Mi and Crate Cafe. It was pretty exciting because I rarely explore North Kuta. We went swimming in the beach at 5 pm. The next day we rented a car and went to Hidden Canyon for a river trekking adventure. The trail took around 2 hours to finish, but it was all super worth it because of the beautiful rocking sceneries. We went to Ubud for lunch, visited a temple, and ended the day by eating Massimo Gelato at Sanur. The next day I had to go do some uni work, but all of us went out to get grilled fish for dinner at Kedonganan Fish Market. They flew back to Jakarta the next day.