finally feeling my feelings

When people knew I was moving away soon, they keep asking me whether I’m scared, or nervous, or sad… I tell them I do feel all three, but at the same time, nothing, because I have been really busy of making sure my travels and my administration when I got there goes smoothly. I told them I haven’t been able to process my feelings thoroughly. The only time I cried before I left was when I dropped Kiko, my dog’s, stuff at her new/old place, where she now lives with her biological mum and sister. She kept smelling me and her bed when I dropped it off, wondering why it’s there instead of it being at home. Thinking about it makes me sad again. But here I am, waking up the second time in this new place I will call home for the next year, writing this post after waking up crying, praying my Subuh, and doing yin yoga.

During my transit in San Diego, I had to look for a luggage storage while I walk around downtown by myself. I found one to store my huge luggage and longfin bag, and walked in the huge sidewalks downtown San Diego has to offer. Walking downtown didn’t feel like I was in San Diego, but it felt more like Chicago. That being said, I’ve never actually been to Chicago, but it just feels like Chicago to me. While I was there, I finally got something proper to eat (cheese avocado toast), and a big glass of cold latte, both to-go. I walked around and found a sitting area in front of an office building, and decided to sit down and eat there, simultaneously enjoying the view of afternoon San Diego. Thinking of what I should do for the rest of my 10-hour transit time, I decided to get myself a SIM card and a prepaid plan. After getting my new US number and internet, I sat down in front of Dunkin’ Donuts and responded to endless messages, as well as letting the important ones know I am already in San Diego. Half an hour passed, and so I walked toward Broadway Bay, where everyone was also walking towards, and enjoyed half of my avocado toast and coffee while enjoying the company of a Latino jazz band, seagulls, leashed dogs, and the smell of the sea.

It was closer to 7 pm, so I took my bags and went to back to the airport with an Uber. Going through security at the domestic US airport is so much more difficult than the security in the international airport. After almost 20 minutes alone of security check, I finally made it to the gate, where I ate a cup of yogurt, banana chips, and mixed nuts, all while watching the third season of Never Have I Ever. At 10 pm, I finally board the plane, watched another four episodes, and finally went to sleep. I woke up 2,5 hours later with the captain speaking that we will be landing soon at Miami International Airport.

As I landed, I was picked up by my mum’s friend and her husband, and they dropped me off at my new place. As I arrived, it was exactly how I pictured, and it made me feel safe. Safer than how I have been feeling for the past 30+ hours. I unpacked a bit of my stuff, showered, and lied in bed until I had to leave for my bank appointment. That day, I learned how to use the bus, how to open a US bank account, how big American grocery trolleys are, and getting used to seeing cars drive on the right side of the road. As I arrived back home, I had a call with my boyfriend, whom then I cried to. I cried pretty bad and talking to him helps. After calling for an hour and a half, I walked to the Chinese takeout place nearby and got myself a huge portion of orange chicken with white rice. It was a one-meal portion, but it lasted me three meals. I got ready for bed, cried again and did my evening prayer. I realised moving to a new place, let alone a new country, was tiring, especially with me being alone. The next day I met my Fulbright friends on campus and learned that: one of them had really bad flights, in which I would’ve broken down to pieces if I was in his place; one of them cried as well as she finished unpacking and getting settled, feeling overwhelmed with everything; and the other haven’t gotten (almost) anything (housing, courses, etc.) sorted out.

I am writing this on a Saturday morning, where I only had five and a half hours of sleep, waking up way too early than I am supposed to. I’m planning on calling my boyfriend and watching our final episode of Ratched, and later in the afternoon going for a short walk to a store nearby and get items to make myself feel more at home. My class starts on Monday and I am looking forward to building a routine that will help me adjust my life in Miami. Everyone keeps telling me moving abroad to study is exciting, but no one really talks about how anxious, strange, and isolating it can be for the first time. Going to the Fulbright orientation and meeting new people, including my housemate, really made me feel less anxious. New semester season is starting, and I hope everybody who is moving abroad to study for the first time are okay and find something in their city that will make them feel safe, comfortable, and accompanied.