reoccurring feelings

It's been a while since I am only with my thoughts, while jotting down whatever I have left in this 24 years 11 months 20 days brain of mines. I woke this morning with an excitement of being able to see some of my Jakarta friends online, to watch a creepy movie titled Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019). It wasn't your typical horror movie, but I liked it. The twist was interesting, and instead of giving you things to be scared about, it was more on the gross-side of horror. The monsters del Toro and co. wrote was downright creepy and gross. Anyways, that's not what I'm here to write about.

It's the 29th of October, and Halloween parties are right around the corner. I got invited to a couple, but timing wasn't right, or that it's too far away from where I live, and it will take me two hours using public transportation just to get to the venue... or a $30 Lyft ride. That's not happening. The only 'party' I wanted to go to, was a movie screening of the classic The Exorcist at a rooftop cinema. I messaged friends, or 'friends', whatever the definition of friends these days are, and wondered whether they were up for it. Even if I didn't really have anyone to go with, I could always take a Lyft or Uber back home, I thought. Whether I actually went or not (as I am writing this I do not know whether I ended up going to the event or not), it doesn't really matter. What mattered was the fact that I felt alone and had no one to spend this beautiful Saturday with... or maybe no one to spend this beautiful Saturday with doing what I wanted to do.

Last night I spent my time messaging my cousin who is feeling a heavy load of loneliness for the first time. I suppose since I have gotten so used to being alone, I didn't realise of how lonely I have been feeling too. Sure, I call my boyfriend and friends pretty often. I don't always have lunch alone, sometimes my uni friends join me. I go on walks and stroll around new places with friends who are new to the area too. But something still feels off. I thought of spending my Saturday afternoon going to the thrift shop and look around for treasure, but I didn't end up going. Instead here I am, writing this post. Seeing cars of my housemates at home feels good sometimes, knowing someone's at home, like me, and not spending their weekend out. But then I remember that they're home by choice, not because they lack safe and reliable transportation options, like what I usually struggle with. And then it gets me feel shitty about myself again.... Of how dependent I am to others. This is how I felt when I used to be an undergraduate in Bali, having to rely on friends and online transportations, just to attend something. I hate to have to depend on others where others are merely... most of the time... unreliable. It's difficult to be in this situation, where I feel the most independent, is where I am also most dependent. What a stupid paradox that has been dreading me forever.

I might only be dramatizing of what my situation appears to be not a big of a deal... But my feelings are still valid, no? No matter how small or big it is.