bored

These past few months (May - mid-August) has been so comforting to me… Like a nice, warm, long hug I get from the people I haven’t seen in a while. I went back home to Indonesia, where I stayed 3 months in Bali, and a couple of weeks in Java. I got to eat the food I couldn’t make in the US. I got to cuddle my dogs again by the beach. I got to dive for free in corner of The Coral Triangle. I got to see my family and friends and boyfriend again. I got access to new, exciting projects.

Although I have been working my butt off this summer, it’s been really nice being back in the island of Nusa Lembongan. The long stretch of sand by Jungutbatu beach and its shallow and chilly clear waters in front of it. The skies at dusk showing a range of colours. The crisp salty air… Just writing about it makes me long for it so much. And now here I am, writing this post at my friend’s bed in Miami, thinking whether I should move to this part of town where my friends are closer, and campus is just a 15-minutes walk away.

Ever since coming back to Miami, I’ve been feeling this sense of drag and boredom within me. My classes, assignments, thesis responsibilities, and even workout classes are now a routine, and I do not find it being very ‘exciting’ anymore. Maybe it’s because I spent the past three months in uncertainty… While everything is sort of expected here right now. Leave Miami for the weekend, you say? Oh yes, I went away to West Palm Beach, where my aunt lives. I am planning to other cities for the next couple of months, making arts, visiting friends and family… Just so that I can feel something else than… this.

I also thought to myself, maybe because I live quite far from where my friends live, I feel isolated and that’s causing this feeling to emerge and become stronger. I was just looking at places subleased by people off the Facebook group, and actually found some decent places I could see myself living for the next couple of months before I graduate. But this is just unreasonable, late-night Janis thinking… We’ll see how I feel in a couple of days.

Or maybe, I just can’t wait to go back to Nusa Lembongan, and actually get settled there. At least for the time being. I’m only 25. I can ‘settle down’ for the next 3-5 years. I can’t wait to rent a place that I actually like living in, and that fulfills my, and my dogs’, needs. I can’t wait to ask the Nusa Lembongan Facebook group if anybody has a table lying around not in use, and if I can take it off their hands. I can’t wait for things that will happen in another phase of my life. Why is it so hard for me to be present in the present?

I did a meditation course this morning, and it mentioned something about the only that is present is now. The air you’re breathing. The chair you’re sitting on. The people you’re talking to. The keyboard I’m typing with. So maybe that’s what I should focus on… Instead of lingering my thoughts on what should be or where I want to be. Thanks for tuning in to my train of thoughts. Have a good rest of your days lovers.

On another note, here's some videos I made of my time back in Indonesia: