something's been lingering in my head...

Artwork by Jules, sometime after 2007

Instagram’s algorithm has been siding with me lately. I came across a reel of a family singing the parents’ old Indonesian hit song: Kidung (see below). I did not know the title of the song, but the melody was familiar. So I went to Spotify and looked it up. And it hit me. Of course, I’ve heard this song before! My mum occasionally sings this song when jam sessions are happening. Listening to Kidung over and over again reminded me of the characteristics of 70s-80s Indonesian songs. You listen to this song and you’re transported back to a specific time and place only you know, a memory that has a special place in your heart. This song made my brain make up a collage of the times I was with my family, gathered, having fun, and singing our brains out because we’re “that” family.

Being physically far away from my family has made me mentally distant from them, accidentally. I didn’t have a routine call with family members, like some people I know do. I’d like to think that because my parents worked a lot when I was growing up, I was used to not being in touch on a daily or even weekly basis because I knew things were fine. If things weren’t fine, they wouldn’t tell me. But if things were really bad, that’s when my parents or brother or cousins would tell me. It has always been that way. I was the first grandchild in my family to study far from the main family, where they were all gathered in Jakarta, and I was all the way in Bali. They didn’t know how to maintain a long-distance relationship with me and I didn’t know how. So everything was as if I was still at home, but I wasn’t actually at home.

When I started living solely off my own source(s) of income, coming back home became more difficult. I didn’t have the biggest salary, and my financial management could definitely be improved. I felt more distant when I wasn’t able to come to birthdays, Ied celebrations, weddings, and random game nights the cousins would have. During those moments, I think of the ‘what ifs’. What if I took that offer to study graphic design in Jakarta back in 2015? What if I didn’t immediately get a job after graduating from my undergraduate studies and had to look for jobs back home? What if I had spent the time during COVID-19 limitations in Jakarta instead of Bali? What if I went to Australia for my Master’s instead of the US? Surely, I wouldn’t feel as distant as I am right now.

So I talked about this to my therapist, naturally. I told her I feel guilty at times for being so distant from what’s happening back home. I don’t want to be that family member who runs away from the family because things are challenging at home. But sometimes, I think that’s literally the reason why I choose to live far from my family. Because families are challenging. Hearing stories from my cousins and brother who have front-row seats to things happening at home, or stories from friends who are in a similar position as I am, I realised all I’m doing is making a boundary between me and my family. However lately, that boundary feels like it has been growing larger and larger. Initiating to reach out is so difficult for me to do, and I don’t know why. Don't worry, I have another therapy session next week. I'll ask her why I'm like this.

These thoughts have been lingering in my brain for a while, especially now, when I am in the middle of watching the TV series Modern Family. Although my family isn’t as ‘modern’ as the Pritchetts, I can see the resemblances of my family and theirs. Families have flaws, and they’re everywhere. The important thing is to love them unconditionally beyond those flaws.

Kidung was listed as one of the top 150 Indonesian songs by Rolling Stones Indonesia in 2009. If a song I am only familiar with its melody can make me think this far, I think it’s safe to say that they deserve it.