feeling more of myself

Photo by Maulana Priadhi

It's because of the full moon. It comes too close to the Earth and drives men crazy. Othello - Shakespeare.

Here I am sitting on my bamboo chair in front of my wooden desk, just got back after sitting on the cold rock floor by the pool, staring into the shy full moon hiding behind the clouds, breathing in the fresh night air Lembongan has to offer. I am listening to a Spotify playlist called Music for Writing, because here I am, trying to write and be vulnerable and reflective during the full moon.

These past months have been confusing for me. I do not understand what I want and what I expect from myself and others, about life, love, career, education, and relationships. Many things have been happening, all at the same time, or one after the other, it changes pretty often. My heart is drained, it had felt an amount of anger, pain, and envy; a bit of love and in-content... But mainly, my heart feels confused. I question myself things such as 'what is it that you want?', 'how will this affect you long-term?', 'what are you trying to communicate?'. I get so tired of not being able to answer these questions, it gets frustrating whenever my best friends ask me how things are (really) going.

Physically, my body has been a mess. My left back feels awkward, and as much as I stretch it out, it stays awkward. I feel more tension each and every day from my shoulders. My eyes, my poor, poor eyes have to manage up to eight hours of screen time every day. Through listening to what my body is going through and what it needs, I have started doing yoga and working out again. After finishing reading Atomic Habits, I have decided to build more habit-stacking, and be several times more discipline than I have within the past few months. Moving my body in the morning, preparing for a day's work of sitting in front of the laptop during dry days sure makes me feel better, mentally and physically. For my eyes, I have bought several new paint and canvases for me to create with for the next few weeks. Moya Mawhinney's video reminded me of things that 'make me feel more of myself', and one of the things is through painting.

These past few weeks I have been dancing by myself (or with other drunken people) a lot. Stupid dancing makes me feel more of myself every single day. The amount of times I have danced in my room with my dog watching is uncountable, and I always end my moments smiling and panting. I like doing things that make me feel more of myself. I want to do more things that make me feel more of myself, like being vulnerable on this blog.

I really have nothing else to talk about. Take care, lovers.