and the struggle continues

For the past few weeks now I've been struggling harder and harder on fighting my self-esteem anxiety. I thought I got rid of it a while back, and I started to accept myself almost thoroughly when I started dating my current boyfriend... But certain things happened and it resurfaced. I cried at nights when I'm supposed to be asleep and make toxic comparisons between me and the other people (mostly girls) I find intimidating. I would stalk their social media and tell myself they're better than me (and maybe it's true!) and make all the negative assumptions that might happen due to how I'm not like them. I thought to scroll through their social media meant I admired them... and I do! But sometimes it makes my heart beats faster and I feel like my throat is choking itself... It made a hole in my head and my habits of overthinking, overanalyzing, and being too curious drowned me. It made me question my worth a lot more than I thought it would. I understand that it's toxic and it's breaking my heart but it's so hard to stop scrolling. With certain people that I do find extremely toxic for myself, I would mute their Instagram stories. I don't have the guts to unfollow them just yet. I still find myself looking through their stories though, sometimes through a friend's Instagram account.

Before I cry, I tell myself that I'm cool. I try to convince myself that I am worthy of love and I am just as cool as those other girls are. I would ask my boyfriend if he likes me and I ask him if there's anything he wants me to change about myself, and it pisses him off that I'm asking questions like these because it's just plain silly. I know he loves me. I know he values me. I understand that I ask those questions because I feel like I need validation on my worthiness (which is sad, because you really don't need other people's validation on your worthiness). My boyfriend tells me I'm being this way because I have had traumatic issues in my past relationship(s)- with myself, and/or with other people. I do realize this self-esteem anxiety started a few years ago, and I thought it was gone... But I guess not.

I'm currently trying to end this constant stream of self-loathing and self-criticism. I am already so, so grateful for my current occupation and income, and I'm so grateful for the people I have around me. I am aware of the love I have around me. I am grateful for the boyfriend I have who constantly reminds me that I have nothing to worry about, in terms of my fear of abandonment and lack of worthiness. I am also trying to lower my curiosity level. I've been in trouble when I was in junior high school because of my nosey traits - trying to figure out other people's secrets. My friend told me this trait of mine can easily hurt me, and my boyfriend reminds me that sometimes it's okay not to know everything. I am learning to swallow this down, and it's not easy.

I've been trying to write about this for a few days but I haven't gotten that writer's ✨zing💥... Until now. It might seem weird to read the things I'm struggling with but I'm trying to write as truthfully and as vulnerable as I can be... As I am human. Constant struggles, whether it's mentally, physically or financially, isn't generally discussed- at least in my surroundings- and I want to change that. That it's normal to talk about our thoughts and what we're feeling. That communicating about, anything, really, with our closest ones is important. I hope that whoever's reading this long blurb of mines get inspired to do the same and open up (to whoever you feel like it). It's okay to be vulnerable.

I am always, always inspired from Nirrimi. She writes like an angel.

I watched this TED Talk on vulnerability by Dr. Brene Brown and it changed me.

Things that have helped me over time: Headspace meditation app, journaling 'daily gratitude' every night before bed, and good communication with my boyfriend.

35mm photo by Gagah.