how the pandemic has affected me

Last night I was journaling before bed and fell into a puddle of tears. I knew that being indoors and surrounded by the same people for this long period of time was going to challenge me. I have never been in a small space with the same people for this long (2,5 months now) and it’s starting to get on my nerves. I’m still really grateful that I at least have shelter and good people surrounding me… But personally, it’s starting to feed the anxiety and overthinking seeds inside my head. I know my problem isn’t the corona virus, but it really is just the lack of personal space. I didn’t know I had a very thirsty need for alone time, or my private space until a few years ago, when my ex-boyfriend visited me many hours everyday. I thought I liked it, and I did… But eventually it made me sick of him and stressed me out that I didn’t have as much me-time as I had before. I think one of the reasons we broke up was because my thirsty need of personal space. With the pandemic going on, I’ve been indoors for the past 2,5 months with the same people in a spacey-but-not-THAT-spacey space. Sure, I did go out to the beach and drive around on some days. But some nights, things just get too overwhelming for me, that I eventually break down.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been obsessed with home decore and watching apartment hunts and makeovers on YouTube. I’ve been looking through scholarship applications for my masters abroad and thinking how i can’t wait to live abroad alone, even if it’s only for two years. And I think one of the main reasons I’ve been so obsessed with it, is because I can’t wait to go back to Nusa Lembongan, where I have my very own tiny safe space, and be alone. Waking up early, with no dirty dishes to wash, and instead doing my morning routine like I’d normally do.

I reread my goals and theme for 2020 that I wrote in my journal by the beginning of the year, thinking it would be the year for me to ace my 2020 themes: consistency, authenticity, and connectedness. The morning routine I had made definitely did not last that long and now it’s just a big ball of mess. I’ve been sleeping and waking up late, not getting any proper breakfast, didn’t meditate for months. Being authentic to myself? That was hard without having the slightest chance of going outside my comfort zone and exploring any new places. Connectedness? It feels light years away from actually connecting to another human being outside the ones I’m living with. It feels like my goals and themes has been ruined, not even 6 months into 2020.

By the end of May, I started taking some journaling and meditation challenges to help me stay sane and healthy. I figure I could restart my goals and themes by slowly taking time to know myself deeper (authenticity), and start meditating daily (consistency). I’ve been doing the meditation for 8 days now and I’m hoping to be able to continue doing it every morning. I’ve been journaling for 7 days straight and I have really gotten new insights about my own thoughts and opinions. This week I’m going to meet my friends, just the three of us, for some cinnamon roll bake day, and I’m looking forward to meet them in person (connectedness).

During this pandemic, I’ve learned a lot about myself, the people around me, and the world.

• I learned to co-live with other people, even if it twitches my anxiety seeds... but I’m learning.
• I learned to be a selective receiver, in which I create boundaries of the news that I consume. In the first weeks of the pandemic, my family’s WhatsApp group has been ringing non-stop, sending links and paragraphs of how crazy the world has gotten and it made me anxious. I know how they are also afraid... But instead acknowledging their fear, they spread more fear, because of fear. So I muted the group’s notification and decided to receive news just once a day to maintain my sanity.
• I learned that despite the many negativity that’s happening, there are still positivity out there. I just have to go look for it, because the media tends to not cover the positive stories due to… well, some common perspectives.
• I learned that racism still exists, and how our smallest actions of spreading the word or support can make a difference to those who aren’t as privileged around us.
• I learned that I should not expect myself to be as productive as I normally would on less-difficult days. It is normal to feel afraid and not get things done as quick. It is normal to binge watch the series that’s been lingering on your mind. Just remember to eat and dance to that Michael Jackson song.
• I learned that no matter how bad the day felt like, there’s always something to be grateful of. Like the roof above my head.

Things that have helped me get through the pandemic:

• Watched Rowena Tsai’s and Elena Taber's videos
• Read Factfulness by Hans Rosling (or watch)
• Built homes in Home Styler
• Follow a journaling challenge by Foxglove Soulwork
• Regrowing spring onions in a jar of water
• Working out with my gym via Zoom
• Thinking of YouTube videos content for my channel

Have a blessed June, lovers. Hope we make it out sane and alive.