i am a part of you. and you are me.

I was looking through my Instagram DMs to message my friend because I had lost his number. You know how in the DMs, you can see the last interaction you had with that person’s account? Whether you replied to his story, or she reacted to your story… In his DM, I saw him reacting to a story I posted in May 2019. The story was a quote, which said:

My PIN number to this day is my second grade best friend’s birthday. There are people I don’t talk to anymore whose families are still in my prayers. There are shirts I wear to bed from exes of 8 years ago who are married now with kids. And I haven’t found a macaroni salad recipe better than my college boyfriend’s mom’s. Our lives are made up of so many people and when people become parts of our lives, some parts remain long after they leave. And in the same exact way, it’s comforting to know there are so many lives you’re still a part of that you have no idea about.

As I closed the story, memories flashed before my eyes. I still can draw my 6th grade best friend’s signature which she probably doesn’t use now. I still remember my 3rd grade best friend’s birthday, her cool parents who worked as a hairdresser and fashion designer, and the shape of her house. I still sometimes sleep with the sea turtle doll my college boyfriend gave me. I still keep the book a frenemy once gave me on my birthday. It’s all very funny but very natural, for all these things to happen. 

And then I shed a tear… I’m not sure why. I think I was just sad that people grow further apart. And sometimes, there’s not even a really good reason why we grow apart. But then again, even after it is long gone, somehow, you’re still keeping a part of each other. Like the quote said, it is comforting, to realise that the who you are today is made up of so many different people.

As I am writing this, I am smiling of all the little memories I didn’t realise I remembered. It was buried deep somewhere in my brain, and writing this post is bringing it all on the surface.

• the blue united colors of benetton backpack my 5th grade best friend's (and the first guy to ask me out to be his girlfriend) mother gave me for my birthday
• the very delicious cireng my 6th grade best friend’s mother made, and I have never tasted any better cireng yet
• the trip to the mall with my 3rd grade best friend, my sister, and two of my primary teachers whom we were trying to romantically match
• the ‘party’ i had with my summer camp friends in one of the hotel rooms, which we eventually got in trouble for leaving a younger participant alone in her room
• when my crush texted me to be his girlfriend while I was in the back of a car, going home from an amusement park
• getting hotdogs or chicken bao after every single piano lesson with my brother and driver
• staying up late until 3 am to wait for my mum to arrive home. I was in the 2nd grade, I think
• walking from my dad’s office to the cheap movie theatre behind his office block
• picking wild sour fruits and breaking aloe vera from my grandparents’ front yard
• being on a television game show with mum
• listening to Britney Spears on a cassette in the car
• the tears I shed when I saw my sister in the hospital bed after she passed (i was in the other room, in a hospital bed too, having dengue fever)
• the minor accident my driver got us into because he didn’t pull the brakes correctly. we were okay. I just have a slight (major) fear of car hand brakes and parking in a hill ever since
• the children’s waiting room in the hospital we still go to
• the fall I did when I heard my dog died

the list doesn’t stop.

It amazes me of how many memories we are able to store in our brain, and just how many people that came and go into our lives. Each little footprint these people made, affected how my life came to be now. It has lived and is still living in me. And I am praying, I am hoping, the little footprints I made on other people’s life also live in them too. In a good way.