life update: september 2021

My last life update was eight months ago... And man, what could possibly change within eight months? Plenty, I tell you. Plenty.

Exhibit A: Welp,

Some time after the Balinese silent day, my boyfriend and I broke up. To be honest, it was quite hectic. I was overwhelmed with the work load I had, the sleep I did not get at night, moving in to a new place and getting my dog all settled in again, and of course, the breakup. My mind was scattered, I was even surprised to find myself still being able to act sane. The nights during my downfall was constantly filled with cries and prayers, calls and journaling, and movies and cooking. I do not blame the failure of my relationship to this downfall I had, but it certainly triggered it. Like the ex-girlfriend I am, after the break up, I immediately muted the ex boyfriend's social media stories but occasionally opened his profile. I would look through at what he's up to, and got jealous. I was jealous of how well he was doing after the break up (as what he made in his social media, anyways) while I was scattered. It was always like that. I was jealous of how happy my ex(es) were doing, and I, who initiated the conversation of breaking up, was always miserable. It's been half a year since I broke up and I'm doing better now.

Exhibit B: Asking for help

During the scattered phase (see above), I was simultaneously drowned with data processing and analyses. We were diving so much, collecting gigabytes worth of data, and I only have a pair of eyes and a pair of hands... It was draining. Eventually, I learned to ask for help. I realised I couldn't do everything by myself, no matter how independent I want myself to be. As my team leader suggested, I should find myself some interns to help me. For some reason, it took me a month to finally scout the internet for potential interns. I asked my friends to share the word, and I received several CVs on my email immediately. We picked our top two people, and asked them to come join the team starting on June. Meeting them was like a breath of fresh air. Although training new people to help with what my team leader and I do was a lot of work, it was worth every second. I now have two extra sets of eyes and hands, and two more brains to help me think! Career-wise, recruiting interns is an act of capacity building for Indonesian early-career marine researchers. I love it when I get to help people start their careers in marine science and conservation, like how my project leader and her assistant helped (and is still helping) me in the beginning. But personally, recruiting interns is practically asking people my age to be friends with me and accompany me on this currently very quiet island. I am extraordinarily grateful for the two current interns who I enjoy being around so much. I'm currently (not-so) secretly hypnotising them to stay in Lembongan forever.

finished three movies of Fear Street with these guys virtually

Exhibit C: Meeting strangers and reconnecting with old acquaintances

For some reason, I was always laughing at online dating (and TikTok). I didn't hate the person doing it. I just don't see myself doing that. Well guess what? I did it. Online dating and TikTok. My friend, who was equally as scattered as I am, downloaded the online dating app and suggested I should too. I told myself, Okay Janis. What's the harm in talking to strangers anyway? Plus, I needed to meet more people outside of the regular circle. I made a profile and swiped right and left. Meeting and talking to new people made me realise the lack of social interaction with different people I have these past few months (or a year and a half), and how I have always been surrounded by either divers or marine researchers. Talking to people from different industries was eye-opening and really helped me expand my conversation topics.

On the other hand, the YSEALI Marine Debris Expedition committee and delegate also held a 'reconnecting event' where we catch up with one another. It was heartwarming to see the people I know across Southeast Asia to bond together and play Kahoot!. Listening to them talk about what they have been up to was inspiring and motivating, I cannot wait to hear what they have got up their sleeves in six months or so.

Exhibit D: I know what my five-year plan is, for now

During my time in Jakarta, I received an email saying I was chosen for an interview for my Master's studies scholarship in the United States. A month after the interview, I received another email stating that I am chosen as a principal candidate to receive the scholarship. I celebrated by dancing alone in my brother's room, and eating pempek for breakfast. I told my parents and my brother and started to daydream the things I want to do and the places I want to visit when I get there. My grandpa listed the pros and cons of the cities I have listed as where my priority universities will be. But Fall 2022 is still a year away, and for the year I have to prepare for what's about to come. I'm currently doing a TOEFL and GRE course, and it still cares me. I haven't done maths and calculus in forever, I am scared of the things I will have to face. I loathe taking English language exams, and having to do it all over again is quite meh. But hey, the things I'd do to get a Master's degree, right? I enjoy learning, and studying abroad has always been a dream of mine. I have always wanted to visit new marine and coastal ecosystems, and if I could learn it too... Well, that's the goal. Now all I have to figure out for the next year is who should I ask to take care of my dog for me for two years... Any volunteers?

Calibrating the new stereo-photogrammetry method

Exhibit E: Still scattered

I thought getting help from the interns so I can distribute my work load would make my mind less scattered. I mean, it does help me focus more into other parts of work. They do data processing and analyses, I re-check their work, do some data analysis of my own, and write grants and permits for the study. Things are definitely more structured for me. But I figured, I will never be whole again if I don't want to be whole myself. Just because I have people helping me doesn't mean I am no longer scattered. The courses; responsibilities as a researcher, a daughter, a friend, a sister, a project leader, an employee; messy sleeping hours; and an unstructured morning routine, is still causing scatter. My room is messy and I don't feel like having the energy to clean it all up. I haven't journaled and log in my money activities for weeks. I lack of praying. I am still grieving, even if I don't look like I am. I miss my dear friends whom I want to hug until all their bones break. I lack of managing my money. And recently, I just experienced a terrible case of imposter syndrome, just in time for all the webinars I will talk at next week, hey? I don't know how to make myself whole again, but all I know is to take things one step at a time, and hopefully, things will turn around.

This has been one long-ass life update. I probably won't write another one until 2022, WHICH IS IN THREE MONTHS. Can you imagine just how quick this year went by? What have you achieved, and what haven't you achieve? Are you still going to plan for 2022, or just letting shit flow? Closing this post now. Take care, lovers.