my body keeps the score

Starting from the second semester of my Master’s degree, I seeked help to the university’s counselling office. I remember feeling I wasn’t as smart as my classmates, and I was taking four different courses in only nine credits, which led me to drown in multiple paper discussions, projects, and homeworks… in addition to working on my thesis. So I signed up (it’s also free!) and was paired with a young psychologist who had me filled out self-assessment forms every time we begin a new session.

During our correspondence, I talked about everything… From childhood experiences to being an adult in a foreign country that lacks public transportation. Sometimes it was easy for me to talk about things as I am naturally an open book… Sometimes talking became more difficult and saying things out loud for the first time scared the living hell out of me. I noticed I tried to make me “less broken” when I’m talking about myself to her, like I’m telling my story from a third-person perspective. I noticed I stopped in my thoughts a lot when bringing up past experiences. I noticed my voice getting higher and my shoulders tensing when I’m frustrated. Counseling is an interesting and humbling experience.

Sometime this year, I told her I am reading the book The Body Keeps the Score. She told me it’s a fantastic book to learn about trauma. The book shares stories from patients that have experienced the worst of the worse and reading the stories breaks my heart. I told her that I sometimes wonder if what I’ve gone through “is bad enough” to be identified as trauma. What defines an event as a traumatic experience? Who gets to tell us we’re traumatised?

I have only recently finished the book (IT WAS HARD and SO MUCH FEELS), and some reflection:

1) trauma is a spectrum. some are less tense and some are more tense, but it doesn’t diminish the fact that it happened and it left a mark on your body.

2) there are multiple methods in healing trauma, and it varies from neurofeedback to yoga to theater. everyone heals differently so it’s important to be open to different approaches.

3) as quoted “Many psychiatrists today work in assembly-line offices where they see patients they hardly know for fifteen minutes and then dole out pills to relieve pain, anxiety or depression. Their message seems to be “Leave it to us to fix you; just be copmliant and take these drugs and come back in three months …” Such shorcuts in treatment make it imporssible to develop self-care and self-leadership.” Healing is more than just meds. It’s communication, being in a safe space, being comfortable in our own bodies, being heard and acknowledged, stepping away from your critical-self, and the list goes on…

At the end of the counselling session before leaving campus last summer, she showed me my self-assessments from the past 3.5 semesters and I have definitely improved. I like to think the three times a week yoga I did with the campus instructor, starting to run routinely, and constant journalling really helped shaped my wellbeing, especially in the last months of my studies. I didn’t have any classes, and my friends were busy with their own stuff, so it was a lot of me, me, me, and me. I learned how to be even more comfortable being by and with myself. I learned to make homemade bread, butter, whipped cream, and cakwe. Cooking became even more therapeutic for me during those times. I am now back in Lembongan and building my tiny bungalow. While this is home, it is not home entirely yet as I do not have a functioning kitchen, which means I cannot cook meals for myself and my dog. A house is not a home until I can cook for myself. I think, for me, cooking is how I stay grounded and sane. How I take back control when I feel things are out of my control. It reminds me that I can feed myself nutrional food when I choose to, and I have the power to make me feel better or worse about my self. What an empowering feeling to realise that our own wellbeing is in our own hands.

Anyway, that is the second book I read this year, and the only book I actually like reading this year. It was difficult and it’s been a journey, but wow it was enlightening. I’m excited to read more fictions (I bought Pride and Prejudice and Little Women, so that will be interesting and a lot of crying and kicking my feet up in the air!). I’m also excited to re-read Pachinko, which undoubtedly is one of my favourites from last year’s read. I’m planning to re-read Perahu Kertas, which I probably have read at least five times between junior high and my bachelor’s. It’s such a good book, but I wonder what drew me into the book so much back then. The characters? The chemistry? The setting? We’ll see. See you soon Keenan and Kugy :)

This post has been longer than I intended it to be. I highly recommend the book, but please be prepared as it can be draining and stressful to read a lot of painful experiences (some may be triggering for you, pls be prepared). I love learning about new things and especially that resonates with me deeply, and is supported by evidential science. This will probably be my last blog post this year, so I hope everybody has a great, impactful, and wholesome rest of the year and I will write to you in 2025.