Breaking Up

2019 marks my 10 years anniversary of having this blog alive. I'm surprised myself that I was able to keep this up. This blog mainly has a role of being my digital creative media, posting mostly my writings, photographs, artworks, videos, and projects. Sometimes, I also write about my personal perspectives and opinions on certain things, like this What is Kind? post, or this In Giving post. As time passes, I saw this blog more than just a digital creative media. I saw this as a platform for me to express myself in the most honest way. I am most honest when I am writing. That's why when I have strong feelings for someone, whether it's hate or love, or somewhere in between, I make them a letter. I don't always send them, but writing it down releases the emotions so much better and clearer. An inspiration I look up to for honest writing, is Nirrimi. Every time I read her writing, it's like I was there when it all happened. It felt like she poured her emotions out in me and I can actually feel the pain and the joy she felt. It's amazing, but sometimes it's just very heartbreaking. I aim to write as good as hers, with the definition of good that it reaches out to people in unexpected ways. I'm going to try to start doing that now. Writing truthfully, and the best of all, being vulnerable.

Ending 2018, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I've been with for 2,5 years. For some people, it might've "only" been 2,5 years. For others, it might've "already" been 2,5 years. Either way, it's something. The reasons of why I ended things was a plenty, but the main reason was something most relationships feel when they have been together for a while. It wasn't boredom, I don't think I'll be able to end an relationship merely because I am bored... I felt like he and I were growing in our own speed, and we might even grow further away from each other, instead of growing towards each other. It's not wrong, it's just that sometimes people do out grow each other in different directions. We don't actually communicate anymore. If he was coming over at my place, we would sit in our own respective places and do our own thing... Me with my work, and him with his. Sometimes, we've been so accustomed to this habit, I forgot that he is even in the room. The thought of me forgetting that he's in the room saddens me, and I became clear of the communications we lack for the past few months. We would discuss our problems thoroughly, sometimes with a bit of yelling and crying, but it was really hard to change the habit we've been doing for the past period of time.

I remember judging my friend's relationship that it wasn't a healthy one... And then I did some self assessment and thought, what if my relationship is also unhealthy? At that point, I counted my journal entries since 2017, and the thought of me ending the relationship has come up several times due to different reasons. I told myself I'm not writing another journal entry on wanting to end the relationship. So I ended it instead. It was hard for him at first, but we discussed it over and over again, and ended up making a wise (I hope) decision together.

Besides our lack of communication, being with him made me feel like I have lost a part of me... I don't know if that makes sense, but I remember being so lost I didn't know what personal space is anymore. I felt like I've invested so much time and effort in the relationship, I forgot to invest in... myself. I tried making time for myself, getting space not only from him, but also my other friends. It worked for a short period of time, but I ended up being completely lost again. I learned more about self love and how it's important to prioritise myself first, and then other people. After the break up, I promised myself that I wouldn't date anyone for several months. I did that so I could grow myself properly. For now, I'm pampering and challenging myself with a lot of self love, from meditating and skin care to traveling and actually making progress for my thesis. It's amazing how the acts of self love can vary.

I've been having heart crushing breaking down moments, now and then. This year was my first Nyepi without him, and I actually felt the anxiety kicking in. I cried while the Ogoh-Ogoh Parade was passing by, trying to make my sobbing as quiet as possible. I even had to close my eyes and meditate in the midst of all the madness. Earlier that morning, I was supposed to go to Canggu and spend Nyepi there, but I couldn't make up my mind and it was really hard for me to think. He was usually there when I had to make a decision. I called my friend and ended up staying at her place for Nyepi. I'm glad I went to her place. We watched A Star is Born and I cried like the baby I am inside.

Sometimes when it hurts a lot, I tell Saras. Saras says moving on is about balancing crying and finding a healthy distraction. It's very easy to talk to Saras about these things, I miss her a lot... Her and her big, long, genuine hugs. Hugs... The only thing that can actually make me feel wholesome again. I haven't had a proper hug for a while, maybe that's why I'm still feeling lost. I've hugged my friends in Bali, but it's not as content as I thought it would feel. It's not enough. It's never enough. If I could actually ask my ex for one last thing, it would probably be a hug. A long, nice hug. He give hugs very well.

If any one is currently going through the same thing as I am, here are some things that have helped me (still helping!) go through it:

David Dobrik Break Up Video

Headspace Meditation (Managing Anxiety, Navigating Change & Deep Breathing)

Nirrimi's Journal Posts

Rowena Tsai on Relationships Video
Lavendaire on Relationships Video

Going for hikes (Tembeling Beach & Forest, Ratu Crater, Tibumana Waterfall, Green Bowl Beach)
Girlboss' Article on Getting over a break up

Pictures taken by Aquapix Lomography, with an expired Kodak Porta 800 film and Lomo Colour Negative 400 ISO 35mm film.